Sometimes i cant wonder why i have so much hatred in me. I had so much I just want to go berserk and everyone would fear me. I always had the impression that i always dont get what i want but there are some that does even if they are weaker and undeserving than me.
Is the weight of loss that greater than gain? Is equivalent exchange even true? Am I just shackled by God's cruel fate? How can failures empower me? Nomatter how I try i always go down. And no matter how I vent, they always attack me and prevent me from saying the facts of why am I so weak. No matter how much I practice on the things that I want like drawing and gaming. If I always win in other things more than the games I play, then maybe I would leave the world of where i can still kick back. The feeling of total helplessness shackles me by the chains God made me. People might say im pathetic but at the back of their minds, they know I am right. But i just dont know when to quit fighting this farce called life. Is it merely to play my part as the idiot who never learns no matter how much he tries? Or is there really something MORE in-store for me? Then where was that when im down? When I'm humiliated? When they made me feel Idiotic?
If only I was much smarter, maybe i can convince them and tide everything in my favor. If much braver, all would fear me. If more charasmatic, all shall admire me. If more cunning, to tricks can fool me. All of these no matter how much i do, it's still in vain. They say winners are no born but made, but how come there are some who are exceptionally gifted in which honing it is just optional? How come there are some who are born with power be it in riches or in a higher consciousness? Why not me? Is it to please those who step on me? To please God with my failures and seeing me hopeless? I cant take it. Like I said if only I had more I would have explained things more perfectly where noone would dare give me advices or suggestions. They would just agree and that's it. I have so much loss in my child hood where i can't win on my own. I feel pathetic wallowing, but even more back then when i thought i can still improve. I tried but God, for some reason, created a certain subconsious trait that I can't learn what i desire to learn. I guess i can blame my parents for marrying early and not being established which why God just rushly created me for his amusement. I guess I can blame myself for not trying harder even if i know i did. I guess I can blame her and God for betraying me in which why I became so harshly honest or negative about my weakness and purpose. If there is something that the devil could give me. That would be Power. Power to do things that I want. Power to do things be it good or evil. Power to mock and make God lose for the first time to the point that He can no longer stand up and feel helpless. But there would be a price. I'm sure its a soul and no price is greater. But it makes me cheap and it made me think otherwise. Now im in the middle of doing it or not. But if there was a better alternative without even paying the piper, i would willingly take it and make the most of it.
God owes me so much that His life won't be enough as a payment. Even if He burns in hell powerless, i would still find it lacking. I just want everything to dissapear and just stay asleep. I feel exhausted fighting in wether small or great. I never asked to be born anyway. And if God can live without man then why in the hell did he made us especially me? I know the answer to that but still I can't figure out why? I guess it's to fulfill his desire. How I wish that He for Once would turn back time and prevent me frome being born. The better if I wont face hell afterwards but it would be highly unlikely.
Is there any place for me where I can dominate? Where i can be envied? Where I can be feared? Admired? Because im tired of acceptance to what i only am. With all my heart. I guess this is my soul's ultimate fate.